When I woke up, everything was different. I opened my windows and it was overcast, but for the first time in months I wanted it to be raining. I wanted to be in the woods. I longed for extreme temperatures and I wanted to be alone in it.
Maybe the ocean isn't everything.
Maybe California isn't what I thought.
I'm ready to move again, but I don't know where. My Dad said yesterday that he's looking for jobs for me because he wants me to move home. I giggled then. Now it sounds like the best idea I have ever heard.
I need my family in my life now more than ever. I'm twenty five years old and the most directionless I have ever been. There's no one here to tell me right from wrong when I'm unable to determine it for myself and I'm an absolute disaster.
He was right. A disaster.
So I'm considering moving back to China, permanently. I am the healthiest when I am the most alone and have plenty of time to come to terms with myself. With the exception of my family and a few friends, most everyone in my life is a massive distraction from the order I'm meant to seek.
When I am sad and alone and forced into, I'm able to find solace.
My life has been a giant vacation for a whole year, and I'm ready to force myself into solitude: to be unhappy, to be afraid, to cry.
I was so glad for the ocean yesterday when we were baking on the beach, but the ocean isn't everything. If it isn't a reminder that the world is bigger than myself and that I'm meant for more than I achieve, then there is no reason for it.
Starting this morning, I am coming down hard on myself and being the disciplinarian that I lack.
I'm lost without my Dad. He is the single person in my life that doesn't have to say it for me to know it. All it takes is one furrowed brow and I break down, knowing everything I needed to know was evident if I would only take a moment to put life into perspective.
The further I am away from him, the less I can feel his influence. This is just a few thousand miles. But the distance I've created between my Father and me is infintely greater.
The further I am away from Him, the less I can feel His influence.
How many times have I reluctantly heard Him say, "Claire, I did not have to drag you half way around the world to get your attention, but you better be attentive now," only to forget everything I learn within days?
The fact is, there's never another head at the table. Never a better time to be stable; time to stop spinning, time to sit down. I need a beginning; I need to come around.
This afternoon, it finally started raining. As I sat in my car, watching the rain and fumbling around with a few words to try to find some clarity, I had an odd memory. It was a Tuesday night and I was in my studio painting when i got a phone call from the boy I was dating. He asked, "What are you doing?" And I said, "i am painting; what are you doing?" When he replied, "oh, you know, playin some beer pong with the guys," I felt ill. I knew that we were not the same, that his lifestyle was unlike my own; partying with friends every night, to me, seemed empty and meaningless.
It frustrated me endlessly that he was never alone and that every night, when we talked on the phone, he was too intoxicated for a real conversation. Slowly but surely, I have regressed to such a state. I'm that guy.
It has taken a long time, but I'm ready to move on. Last summer, probably around July, we sat in my car outside the house where she now lives, and I cried. We talked about the world's impending doom, and I told her why I don't sing anymore. The windows got foggy, just sitting there, but I will never forget how kind her voice was when she told me I would be ready to start living again sometime soon.
I tried preparing myself a few nights later when I was running on the beach and crying and asking myself who I was. A better question - the one I've avoided - is whose am I? Because if I give any consideration to the One I belong to, I should know better than to live in such a way.
I'm an absolute disaster; he knew me the minute we met.
But there's no time like a Monday to make a life-change.
Maybe California isn't what I thought.
I'm ready to move again, but I don't know where. My Dad said yesterday that he's looking for jobs for me because he wants me to move home. I giggled then. Now it sounds like the best idea I have ever heard.
I need my family in my life now more than ever. I'm twenty five years old and the most directionless I have ever been. There's no one here to tell me right from wrong when I'm unable to determine it for myself and I'm an absolute disaster.
He was right. A disaster.
So I'm considering moving back to China, permanently. I am the healthiest when I am the most alone and have plenty of time to come to terms with myself. With the exception of my family and a few friends, most everyone in my life is a massive distraction from the order I'm meant to seek.
When I am sad and alone and forced into, I'm able to find solace.
My life has been a giant vacation for a whole year, and I'm ready to force myself into solitude: to be unhappy, to be afraid, to cry.
I was so glad for the ocean yesterday when we were baking on the beach, but the ocean isn't everything. If it isn't a reminder that the world is bigger than myself and that I'm meant for more than I achieve, then there is no reason for it.
Starting this morning, I am coming down hard on myself and being the disciplinarian that I lack.
I'm lost without my Dad. He is the single person in my life that doesn't have to say it for me to know it. All it takes is one furrowed brow and I break down, knowing everything I needed to know was evident if I would only take a moment to put life into perspective.
The further I am away from him, the less I can feel his influence. This is just a few thousand miles. But the distance I've created between my Father and me is infintely greater.
The further I am away from Him, the less I can feel His influence.
How many times have I reluctantly heard Him say, "Claire, I did not have to drag you half way around the world to get your attention, but you better be attentive now," only to forget everything I learn within days?
The fact is, there's never another head at the table. Never a better time to be stable; time to stop spinning, time to sit down. I need a beginning; I need to come around.
This afternoon, it finally started raining. As I sat in my car, watching the rain and fumbling around with a few words to try to find some clarity, I had an odd memory. It was a Tuesday night and I was in my studio painting when i got a phone call from the boy I was dating. He asked, "What are you doing?" And I said, "i am painting; what are you doing?" When he replied, "oh, you know, playin some beer pong with the guys," I felt ill. I knew that we were not the same, that his lifestyle was unlike my own; partying with friends every night, to me, seemed empty and meaningless.
It frustrated me endlessly that he was never alone and that every night, when we talked on the phone, he was too intoxicated for a real conversation. Slowly but surely, I have regressed to such a state. I'm that guy.
It has taken a long time, but I'm ready to move on. Last summer, probably around July, we sat in my car outside the house where she now lives, and I cried. We talked about the world's impending doom, and I told her why I don't sing anymore. The windows got foggy, just sitting there, but I will never forget how kind her voice was when she told me I would be ready to start living again sometime soon.
I tried preparing myself a few nights later when I was running on the beach and crying and asking myself who I was. A better question - the one I've avoided - is whose am I? Because if I give any consideration to the One I belong to, I should know better than to live in such a way.
I'm an absolute disaster; he knew me the minute we met.
But there's no time like a Monday to make a life-change.
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