(If I make it)

I'm not sure what compelled me to say something after eighteen months of silence, but I said what I meant to an unattentive audience, and I felt nothing after saying it. The day before, I was instructed not to do something as it would be "tacky," only to realize that his version of "tact" is not the same as my own; if I had followed through on the plans I originally had, I might not have felt so screwed. So I sent him a message. I told him that I will never fully heal, but every day I'm trying. I wanted him to know that I wish him well, regardless. I wanted to say, "i fight a battle to forgive you every day of my life. I have to remember that every man is not the enemy - every man is not you - but I am searching the darkest parts of myself to find and extract any ill feelings so that, in the end, I can love you." Love is a never-ending challenge. When someone once told me I was the hardest person in the world to love, I took offense. But now I know it has something to do with how closed I really am. Yesterday, I heard someone say, "if I make it, we make it," as an answer to why he moves forward with his life. He was talking about community - about the effect that loving one person has on the rest of the world. I feel I've done nothing of value recently, and with every day that passes, time is running out. If I build my life on an "I will make it" philosophy without first considering what my presence can do to reward those around me, then I am building a house on sand. I woke up this morning to the pouring rain and there was sand in my sheets. I don't mind the sand but I've been disturbed by my dreams lately. I can't help but note the implication that the sand came from somewhere. I am building this house. My recent decisions are pulling me in a direction that is so opposite of where I'm meant to go, but life is racing by at a pace that causes me to overlook it all. The list has been revised. The goals are simpler now, but more direct. I will, in fact, follow through. Because if I make it, we make it.