The 60:40 Ratio

I went to lunch with a coworker last week and when we were driving back, it came up in conversation that his daughter's friend is getting divorced after being married for only a year.  He squinted at the road and said, "it's so sad.  I just don't know how two people could let a marriage fail."  I laughed and told him I don't know how anyone could make a marriage work. and he looked so appalled that I thought he was going to drive off the road.  He turned to face me from the driver's seat and said, "Claire!  It's so very simple.  Relationships are not about equality.  They're about inequality."

A few months back, S and I were on our way to a comedy club when I got a message from a friend.  It was the most meaningful thing anyone had said to me in months, so I began to question what I was doing with my life.  The entire way there, I stared out the window and began a mental list of regrets and failures and reasons why I needed to quit; but like clockwork, he caught on, hugged and and said, "Let's go to Catalina Island!"  He was relentless that night and it forced me to laugh and realize that his was the level of love I wanted. 

Lunch with my coworker last week felt a little like a date.  We went out, asked each other questions, gave each other answers and listened attentively.  I was on a high that afternoon from the things he told me, and I realized how much I miss male friends.  He's my Dad's age and full of amazing stories; and old enough to have wisdom to impart on the young, but young enough to understand another's point of view.  He said, "Relationships, Claire, are 60:40."  I wanted to iterrupt, but I didn't.  He continued, "Someone will always be giving 60%, and until you are able to realize and accept it, things will never work.  But if you can swallow your pride, if you can give a little bit more, if you can take the blame and pick up the pieces and love unconditionally, then it will work; and it will be better than you could imagine."

I knew he was right, but 60 percent is so difficult.  Last night, S told me that my honesty makes him think he deserves better than me.  I've begun making such effort - 65% in fact, but the more I give, the less he does; and the harder I try, the more he accuses me of not being fun anymore.  I don't know where I was when he stopped loving me as much, but I'd like to go back to that place and regain my dignity.