If we are all dying of something, then I am dying of acute heart failure.
The heart, afterall, is "deceitful above all things and beyond cure."
And if tose words - which are ancient - continue to ring true thousands of years after being written, then it is a fact that my condition is a fatal one.
I try to reason with myself and with others about why it is that I have such trouble being faithful and truthful and consistent. Everyone tells me things like, "you're too hard on yourself," but the fact is, if anyone ever had the misfortune of knowing the heart of me - with its deceit, shame and ill intentions - then perhaps that person could see what a failure my heart really is.
I don't know why I can't do it - why I can't give myself out of love to others. I had big plans for this year. I wanted to be honest and I wanted to give love. I'm beginning to wonder if my desire to serve people is just my selfish effort to prove something to myself and to the world - to prove that I am capable of loving, when everyone always said I wasn't. Even so, I am failing at that, too.
And if tose words - which are ancient - continue to ring true thousands of years after being written, then it is a fact that my condition is a fatal one.
I try to reason with myself and with others about why it is that I have such trouble being faithful and truthful and consistent. Everyone tells me things like, "you're too hard on yourself," but the fact is, if anyone ever had the misfortune of knowing the heart of me - with its deceit, shame and ill intentions - then perhaps that person could see what a failure my heart really is.
I don't know why I can't do it - why I can't give myself out of love to others. I had big plans for this year. I wanted to be honest and I wanted to give love. I'm beginning to wonder if my desire to serve people is just my selfish effort to prove something to myself and to the world - to prove that I am capable of loving, when everyone always said I wasn't. Even so, I am failing at that, too.
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